So, Buenos dias, bonjour, Guten
Good morning.
days, over here
Those of us who are hard of hearing
We need… we all need to be close, so I'm one of them.
So first of all, I would like to say good morning to my two teachers
Over there hiding in the corner and Nenzen sensei who is the current head teacher here at
Koji, who have just returned from travels and very happy to see you
Dr.
So after years of practice, I do not believe in coincidences anymore
What I believe is that you become a little omniscient
And about three weeks ago, Nenzen sensei gave a talk
About one of my very favorite koans, Alive or dead
And at the time I was just excited to hear what she had to say about this koan, which is basically that the head monk and his assistant are asked to come and express their condolences at the death
of a parishioner
And when they get there, the younger man knocks on the coffin
And turns to his teacher and says, alive or dead
And the teacher says
I won't say
Why won't you say
I won't say.
Many years later, he goes and he talks to some other teacher and tells him about this story and that teacher also says, I won't say
And at that moment, then finally he's had enough practice to understand
Why they won't say
The fact is
We talk about death
As if it's just this one thing
The death of the body
But there are little deaths for us every day
Moment by moment we are meeting our life and our death.
And so
This choice of koans is particularly meaningful for me at this moment and for several of my students who are here today
Because a week ago Saturday
My Zen teacher of 42 years died
And all I could think about was alive or dead
I was with him during hospice
And his family, his mother, his wife and his daughter
But I've been with him over the last year and a half very regularly
watching him decline
Watching dementia slowly setting in, watching the filters fall away
Some very funny, some not so funny
He was the abbot of Canando Zen Center in Mountain View for over 50 years
He had five Dharma heirs people who had permission to teach of which I was one was actually his most senior student
He ordained about 20 other monks and countless lay ordinations
He had a life of service
This is a man who got up every morning
And drove from his home to the temple to be there for the sitting at 5.30 in the morning, 6 days a week.
All that time
And he was also
In the lineage of San Francisco Zen Center
There was Suzuki Roshi who founded it
Suzuki Roshi gave permission to teach to two people
Maybe more, but two I know of. One was his son, Hoytsu Suzuki, who's still in Japan
And one to Richard Baker.
Eventually, though, there were three other teachers who were
coming along
And what happened was those three teachers went back to the teacher in Japan, Hoytsu-san
and received permission to teach through him
Mel Weitzman of Berkeley Zen Center, Bill Kwong of Sonoma Zen Center, and my teacher, Cato Les K. of Kanando
And then Hoyt Susan said, that's it, you Americans, you are on your own now.
You pass it on
My teacher was also a student of the founding teacher of this temple
Cobencino Roshi was my teacher's second teacher. He was ordained by Suzuki Roshi, San Francisco Zen Center, but for the next 10 years after Suzuki Roshi died
Cobencino was Les'
Teacher
So I actually had always a kind of double lineage
Which last November and Zen made official by giving me permission to teach in this lineage
So coming back to that, Colin, what on earth does it mean you know
Alive or dead
I actually had someone from Soto Shoe Headquarters, which is the big Japanese official organization, write to me wanting to know, was the casket at the family's home or was it at Canando in Mountain View because they wanted to come
And offer incense and chanting
And I had to explain there was no casket
Because he was cremated
And then I said, well, you know, they do have a service on Saturday mornings if you would like to go, maybe you could offer incense and chanting
at the time of the service
And so that is, in fact, what happened, and apparently it was a lovely ceremony, but I wasn't able to be there yesterday
But I think it was in recognition of the fact that
Les actually went to Japan and had this official Dharma transmission through Hootsu called Zweise
Where you get to wear this special hat and special shoes, and a special quesa, and you are Abbott for a day at the training temple called Eheji
It's a form
When it came time for me, I mean I
registered with the Soto shoe, but I didn't see any reason, because I feel like now
Our practice has to become American
It has to be here. And so while I deeply respect the Sotoshu organization
I also am aware that
Most of the people practicing in this country are lay people
And they need to be
taken care of here
So we have our Japanese roots
Some people have Korean roots, some have Theravadan or Tibetan roots
But it's getting to be time for it to become our practice here in this country.
Just to make sure, are you all hearing me on Zoom
Thank you
I forgot to ask
So what does it mean to be alive or dead? Well
In this koan, we're talking about the literal, the metaphorical
And the spiritual
In the literal sense
My teacher is dead
I will never see his face again in person
Metaphorically
Is it ever actually possible for us to die?
We just transformed
We go from this to something else
Because, as we all know, scientifically, you cannot destroy matter
Whatever is here will go on. It just goes on in a different form
But then there's the spiritual part
That's the part
My teacher once said, and I think he was echoing Suzuki Roshi
That you should always act as though your teacher is standing right behind you
Watching everything you do
It's a little creepy, I know
But
If you imagine that
Things that you might say or do that would not be considered particularly nice or polite or in practice of right speech
Maybe you think twice
So as I was thinking this last week a lot
About my teacher's death, what it meant for me, what it meant for Sylvia and Ghoulia and Candace and Honor.
Because they were all part of this practice
I tried to think what
What was the most important thing?
What was the teaching that I'm going to carry forward from him? I mean there were many things and one of them
He was a great encourager
of work practice
And I love work practice. I think work practice is your meditation practice in action.
So I'm going to talk about a second koan today
This is called Fa Shang's recognition.
There is a book called The Hidden Lamp. They invited, I think it was a hundred women teachers
To explicate some teaching story that centered around women
Because for centuries it's all been about men and many of the Koans are about male monks.
So
This one
Fusheng was a woman, Chinese.
lived between 375 and 453 Common Era
In northwest China
She was married
But, at the end of the Xin dynasty, when it was overthrown, all her relatives either disappeared or were killed.
So she became a nun
And she lived at great mysterious
Terrace Convent
Great, mysterious terrorist content. I have this idea in my mind, you know, there's this high terrorist, very mysterious
But you have to remember in those days, nobody recognized nuns
They practiced, they were sincere, they were devoted, but basically they were very second class.
Anyway, at that monastery, her understanding was considered to be very deep and profound
So this story is from a very early period of Buddhism in China when, as I say, women were not formally Chan Zen nuns
But they practiced serious meditation and did a lot of retreats.
So here's the story
The Nan Fa Shang often shared her clothing and food, giving the best to the nun huisu.
The other nuns admonished Faishang
saying.
But Nan Huisu is uncultivated and inarticulate
When she wanted to study meditation, no one would give her instruction because she is the worst of idiots
These are other nuns saying this, by the way
Why don't you sow the seeds of generosity in a more spiritually worthy field?
Faucheng responded
One would have to be a saint to know the spiritual accomplishments of the recipient of donations.
I am a very ordinary person
So I would rather do it this way
Later, we Su sponsored a 7-day meditation retreat with the community
And on the third night when the others arose from meditation, she did not get up
Remaining in a deep meditation state until the end of the retreat
It was only then
that the other nuns saw Hui Su's extraordinary abilities
And for the first time
They understood Fa Sheng's insight
So the story of Fa Sheng is meant to illustrate both
An extraordinary understanding of the Paramita, the perfection of generosity
but also of the essential nature
of truly seeing what is right in front of us
Truly
Fa Sheng is introduced as this very generous disciple
And she's in fact willing to give away her best things.
To a nun that the others obviously despise
We have all been in that situation.
In our companies, in our schools
in our meditation halls
We're on the side someone says don't hang around with so-and-so, she's a jerk
Or don't talk to him, he is really arrogant
You know, you get these little side conversations before you've actually had a chance sometimes even to meet the person.
So
They say to her she's uncultivated, inarticulate, in other words, uneducated
Poor
Ignorant of the basic tenets of Buddhism, let's say
And she is the worst of idiots
Then they say you know why don't you shower your generosity on someone more worthy of it
So the deliberate contrast here is being made between Fa Sheng and the other nuns who are perplexed and dismayed
By Farsheng's attitude
Their understanding seems to be that generosity is meant only for those
who are worthy
Therefore, why is Fa Shang wasting her time
Often this is the case.
So like why do you waste your time on that person
That person is not worth your energy.
How do you know?
When do you make that decision? Who makes that decision? Do you? Does somebody else make it for you?
Fa Shang nails it though, she says, you know
I one would have to be a saint
To know
If someone is actually
Worthy
How, how would you know?
You're making a lot of assumptions about someone else
You know, a saint is described as someone with limitless knowledge and transcendent insight.
Who would be able to know
Another so completely
That she could judge whether that person was virtuous
And wise enough
To deserve her attention.
But Fa Shang knows herself
Not to be a saint. She says very clearly, "I am an ordinary person.
Ordinary people never know one another
Completely
When someone dies and you have a memorial
The most interesting thing to me
is that I have my idea of this person
Then someone else gets up and tells a story that is quite surprising to me.
Oh, it's a puzzle piece
And then someone else gets up and says something, another puzzle piece. By the end of a memorial, you have a much bigger picture
Of who that person was. Here's why.
When we are in relationship
We are in relationship with each other
Which means that the relationship is affected by each of us
Then when we go to have a relationship with someone else
It is obviously different because now I'm having the relationship with a new person, and I am different because I am in a different relationship.
It's really, I used to think there was something wrong with me actually
I felt like I must be a chameleon
Because it did feel like I changed depending on who I was with
Now I understand that's actually quite normal. That's what we all do
Because we are in relationship
We're never just
Ourself alone
It's a fundamental teaching of Buddhism
So pure generosity of heart
Transcends these conventional views
Because the pure heart is one that is willing to seek out
and perceive
The Buddha nature in each person
Looking for the potential of that pure heart in every single person and situation you're in
Even in the most difficult of situations, there is something there to be learned. There is something there that is pure.
Fa Shang's enlightened understanding is that she is the one who sees
We sue
Deeply, maybe not completely even then, but obviously more than the other nuns
She understands that we su may be uncultivated
She may be inarticulate. She may not know the basic tenets of Buddhism, but what she sees
Is her pure heart
She sees
That someone is inherently perfect as you all are
But as Suzuki Roshi once famously said, even with your perfection, there's always room for improvement
Here is where
This story intersects now with the death of my teacher.
As I say, Suzuki Roshi said
In his wonderful accent, you're already perfect.
But
You could still use some improvement.
Yes, couldn't we all?
We all know our flaws
Nobody needs to tell us if we're being honest with ourselves.
So we know that those are the places that we could use a little work
But what we keep forgetting or maybe we didn't even know
Is that fundamentally when you were first born
You are absolutely
Perfect
and pure
And that actually deep down in that beautiful heart of yours, you still are
The other stuff has to do with causes and conditions, many of which by the way happened to you before you were ever conscious of what I would call causes and conditions.
You know, the first time your mother pushed away from you.
You know, you had deep attachment issues, right?
The first time you got scolded, or spanked, or whatever happened in your family
It was upsetting
Every time something happens to you
You know, it's, it's like computer code 011100, you know, something all back and forth until you came to this point here, at this moment where you are hearing my voice.
Every single thing in your life
has brought you here.
In the absolute realm
Okay, we talk about the absolute versus the relative. The relative is that world where you're going to get in your car and you're gonna drive home. You better pay attention to the speed limit, and please watch out for the crazy motorcyclists.
And the crazy cars and the crazy people they're out there. It's Sunday
The absolute realm, though, is the place that you have this perfect heart and actually they're not two separate places.
They coexist
But you know for yourself as I do
There are character flaws that we are working on.
The more we work on them
The less suffering we are going to cause that's it. That's the two things of Buddhist practice, the two basic things
Know thyself
Do no harm
The only way you can do no harm is to know yourself
If you don't know yourself, you are probably causing harm wherever you go, without even realizing it.
So we sit down on our cushion to get to know this one here very, very intimately
So that we can watch our speech, we can watch our actions
and cause less harm
I I'm sorry you're never gonna be in a place where you cause no harm
As soon as you got in your car and drove
Thousands of innocent insects have died. I'm sure from their point of view you have caused harm. Maybe not from your point of view, but
The moment you cut the broccoli from the stem
You've killed it
Now the broccoli is not going to say oh no don't do that
But it's dead now. Everything you eat, by the way, is dead.
It's a stunning idea, but it's true.
The thing is, we're all concerned about animals because they're more like us.
But everything that we take in has to die to support our life
So there's really no way to not cause harm
But to be aware that you are causing harm, that is the beginning of wisdom.
So my teacher less
Carried forward this idea
of seeing
In front of him
Who you were
It was his real superpower and I'm only just now understanding something that I have asked myself for years
My teacher was very flawed
It's okay
He practiced very sincerely.
He knew he was flawed.
But what was always surprising and amazing to me
Was when I looked at his five dharma heirs, the people who received permission to teach
I was always thinking to myself
These are, besides myself, these are the four most incredible teachers of the Dharma
How did this happen
It happened
Because
My teacher
His great gift was when he first met you
He saw you
He saw your potential. He saw your pure heart
And he wasted no time grabbing a hold of you
I had only been practicing for seven months when he asked me if I'd like to become a monk
What?
And yet, when he asked me
I didn't answer him outside, but inside this yes
Came up
A yes that could not be denied, a yes that I didn't even know was there. I hadn't even asked myself the question
And I know that this started when I was six years old
I was in Catholic school for 1 year
And unlike my older brother and sister, who must have had really awful nuns as their teachers, I had the most lovely person
Sister Joan Christine
Loved children
And I knew that she loved me. And again, she saw me. She saw that little six-year-old. And from that point on, I thought that nuns and teachers were the same thing
And I wanted to be that
My parents kept saying no no no you can't be a nun. You like boys too much
And then in high school they said don't go off and be a teacher because there's no jobs. It was a teacher glutton California, not like now.
Guess what happened?
I became a nun and a teacher.
Because along the way
People saw me
The greatest mentors of my life, including my now deceased Zen teacher
had this gift
Of looking at you and seeing past all the other stuff which by the way you might think you're hiding
You might think it's all in here, nobody sees it. Of course we see it. You're wearing it out on your sleeve.
But a true teacher, a true dharma friend
She's beyond all of that
They see your heart
They see your Buddha nature
Thoreau once said
Nature and human life
are as various as are several constitutions
Who shall say what prospect life offers to another?
Could a greater miracle take place then for us to look through each other's eyes
For just an instant
That is what is required
To stop always just looking through your eyes and thinking that you know what's going on
Instead
To try to imagine looking through someone else's eyes
Or as the other one, you know walking a mile in their shoes. This is called empathy. But it's more than that.
It is the recognition that each of us sees the world in a slightly different way
I want you to close your eyes for just a moment
And I want you to think
Of someone else right now
That you would like to be able to see through their eyes just for a moment
Just imagine that you are inside of that person's body right now
What do you think you would discover
about that person
Outside of your assumptions, your disappointments, your expectations, your projections, your previous disagreements
What is actually inside that person's head?
You may open your eyes now
There was once a film called Brainstorm
in which they actually came up with a piece of equipment that when it was attached to their head and another person's
They could actually see that person's thoughts
It's a very Buddhist film in many ways. It never got a lot of attention, but
I remember when I saw it thinking
Wow
There wouldn't be any wars
If we could actually do that
Because we would understand our commonality rather than our differences
We would understand how each one of us has wounds that we are trying desperately to hide
And we would forgive each other
Years ago
A friend of mine was being ordained by my teacher back in New York
And I was a very young monk, and I accompanied him along with a couple of other people
And at the reception
I had met
One of this person's senior students and her partner
Today we're both students at Empty Hand Zen Center.
And all of a sudden I realized there's this commotion
And
I had only met them that afternoon, just briefly
But there's this commotion in the beautiful historic building that we were having the reception in, someone's lying on the sofa
And I walked over and it's the partner of the senior student who is also a lay ordained person
And
Her name was Patty
And I leaned down, I said.
Can I do anything for you?
And I don't know what happened in that moment
We saw each other
Later, we were out to dinner and she happened to be sitting next to me and I heard that her partner was going to be Montgourdain
And I turned to her and I said, oh, are you going to be a monk too
And she said no
I'd like to be, but my teacher doesn't think I'm monk material
I was really taken aback by that
Because that's not what I saw
I saw a devoted, dedicated, wonderful person
And so
Little by little you know she contacted me and she said you
I feel this connection with you. Would you be willing to do something long distance
I went to my teacher less, and I said, what do you think about this?" And I knew that he'd done it with some other people. He said, "Well
If she's asking
I think you should
And so I did
And it has now been 30 plus years
And I ordained her
And she and her partner, her partner actually became my student as well, because her teacher died
And I gave her Dharma transmission to teach, and the two of them
Started another Sangha in New York called Twining Vines
And they have been leading that group
For all this time
On top of that, Patty ended up, she has severe nerve damage from an accident very early in her life
She did hospice work for years
Volunteering
She also became the sewing teacher for this group. This is somebody like Hui Tzu
That someone didn't actually see her value
Didn't see the depth of her heart
But this was my teacher's special gift
From the moment he met someone new
He truly saw their deepest inmost request
Even if they didn't even know they had an inmost request, like me
That day that he asked me to be a monk
I know it was in the summer
I don't remember anything else other than being in a daze as I drove home to talk to my husband
And ask him what he thought about his wild and crazy
Drug sucks, and rock and roll girlfriend, wife
Whether she was going to shave her head and become a monk
My husband is the other person who has always truly
See me
And he looked at me and he said
If this is what will make you happy
You need to do it
We should all be so lucky
To have such people in our lives
My teacher understood and really taught
Sowing the seed of generosity is not about choosing the most spiritually worthy field.
Many people showed up
at Connando
Who you sort of shook your head and went, oh boy
Not less
He would encourage
The least of what we would consider to be the worthless idiots
Sometimes it worked
Sometimes it didn't.
But he always gave them the chance
He always recognized the potential
Of their Buddha nature to say yes
So the foxhangs and lessers of the world
Show us that anyone who practices for any length of time
Get something more valuable than you can ever imagine.
A peaceful heart
They recognized heart
A scene heart
That then turns
and sees
everyone else
It is the ripple effect
When someone truly sees us
When Fa Shangs of the world recognize
The goodness in us, the kindness in us, the attention and awareness in us
We feel seen
And validated and confirmed
In our Buddha nature
And then we pass it on.
That's our work.
Thank you.
So Jerusan
Have I overstepped my time, I have no idea.
We have a good 10 minutes. 10 minutes, excellent
I usually talk too much
So
Does anyone have a question or something they'd like to share, something to add? I would love to see each of you. My friend Julia.
Well, first of all, I want to thank you for
I guess it was
Like 15 years ago when I came to Yosenda with
My son and you asked me if I were to stay and I literally did not think I was a Zender material
I can't really like set, I have to lie down and all other things and
You know, I am forever grateful that you asked me to stay that
You saw that I could
Because I didn't, but now I know I can
But what you said about
People being different with other people
It just really touched me because last year I lost a friend who died very suddenly. He was
A dear friend, he showed me parts of myself I didn't know I had.
We always had such an amazing connection with both
Work in the healthcare field
He was so kind to me, he like volunteered for a project I was doing, just, I just adored having him in my house for dinner.
And then he died suddenly
And our kids were friends when they were younger, but then they drifted apart, so invited
His son over for dinner and what I discovered that a friend who I loved so much had a really deep flaw as a parent.
Wasn't anything heinous, it's something that
And I was just so angry
And his son was at dinner with us and he was telling me
horrible he felt to share mistakes his father did, and he shouldn't talk badly about dead people
And
And I was like, wow, that is such a place to be
Like
I am angry at the dead person. His son feels badly being angry at his dead father
And
And then I was like, you know what, it's it's okay, you know your father differently than I knew your father
And it's okay to be angry at this dinner, and whatever time you need to be angry, and we became like really good friends with him. But it was very
Difficult and I and I was thinking like when I die, like, wow, somebody will be angry at me
For something, I might not even know.
And yeah, it took me a long time to, to think of
People are really complex
And it's very hard when they die and you realize like I had 1 relationship but somebody else maybe had totally different and it wasn't as great
So I'm not sure how much you heard online, but basically a dear friend of Ghoulia's had died and she adored this person, but then when she had his son over for dinner
discovered that there was a very different relationship between the son and his father
And it made her very angry that her friend had
not behaved well towards the sun
Only to realize that people are very complicated and that, in fact, we all have
Our own relationship with that individual
So
Yes
People are tremendously complicated
And as I said
The thing that is just becoming so completely obvious to me
Is that
First of all
You never have a relationship alone, right? You're always in relationship and with that person
Sometimes, you know
Stuff comes together
And sometimes it comes like this
Other people have a different coming together
And that's why I say, you
We never actually know each other
We know the part that we know
And we are affecting that part. You know, it's like you're in a scientific experiment that you're messing up because you're taking part in it.
Right
And so
That's the other thing I've realized this week
I was with my teacher for 42 years, off and on, and there were times when I wasn't with him
Those people who have only been with him for 15 years
They have a different teacher
And
So
I have to recognize that their relationship with him
It's very different than mine
And but that's true with everyone
I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but when I hear my husband talking to an old friend on the phone, I always know which friend it is
Because either the way he's laughing with them, or the way, if it's his sister, I always know it's his sister on the other end. Even if I didn't know he was talking to her, I can tell.
We are different people with different people
So
That's that part about
She says I'd have to be a saint
To actually know who was worthy
and virtuous enough to receive my generosity, my kindness
Who knows that
So then what it means is we have to be kind and generous to everybody, if at all possible. It's not always possible
You know, if you come up against somebody who is just really difficult for you
You also have to be able to forgive yourself for not being able to step forward.
You may not be able to for a while. Maybe someday you get the chance to.
Maybe not
And that has to be okay, too
Thank you.
Someone else
We absolutely can never know.
We can't know another person
Because
The person we know is always filtered through our own response to what they share with us.
You know, like, when someone is talking about something and then you're like, I have this thing in my life that's very similar, right, but it's
So the thing that has come to me over the years that has helped me tremendously with raising my child and working with neurodiverse kids
Is just ask
I can't know what their experience is, but I can ask them what's
Hey, we had, we got angry at each other, what was happening for you?
And then I find out what's happening for these 2 people in that moment is radically different
And that's where most misunderstandings between people come from.
Is that they're having
opposing experiences of the same thing.
And both of their truths are true
And it's that difference or that gap between them that's interesting
Where we create connection, but you can just ask
You can ask your person at work that drives you crazy with their tuna fish lunch that stinks up the office.
You know, you can just ask, like, hey, why is it always doing this?
Tell me the story.
You can ask someone like you got mad that I don't know why, please tell me what was happening
So, I just ask first, because we, you know, immediately we think we know what they're feeling, we think we know what they're saying.
But actually most of the time we don't
So Honor was just saying that we actually can never know another person because, of course, we're filtering our relationship with them through our own stuff
And that she said that the best thing that we can do, especially when we're having difficulty with someone
Ask them
Wait, how, how to find out what's really going on for them because you know what's going on for you, but you're making assumptions about what's going on for them
So
I think that
The difficulty always for us first the lack of curiosity. That's always a problem. But I think also that we fall into this mistake of thinking everyone thinks like we do
Right, we all have a similar brain, so you must think the same way that I think, and you don't
You don't think the same because you have different parents, you had different upbringing, you had different economics, you had different education. You know, every single thing in your life has made the way that you come to things
Differently than the way I do
And so you're right, always being curious
inviting, basically, the other person to not just get angry at me, but tell me why, you know
Thank you. That's wonderful.
So I think probably we need to go, but there's going to be tea and cookies up in the community room
I will be there and just ask me anything you want or not.
Thank you.