Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Jacoji.
For those of you for whom it is your first visit here, you're in for a special treat, no pressure.
I'm very happy to welcome
Nick Robinson. His diver name is Uroon buoyancy cloud illuminate stillness
To Jikoji
Nick is a lay practitioner who attended lectures by Cobencino Otogaroshi, the founder of this temple
From 1977 to 1980, so early in Copen's career at Santa Cruz Zen Center
Coven's teaching made a deep impression that persisted
For the following two decades, as Nick practiced with Sojun, Mel Weitzmann, the late, great Sojun Mel
At Berkeley Zen Center, Sojun and Coban were dear
In the late 90s, Nick began making trips to Jikoji to be with Coburn again.
COVID and staff in 2002 led to a long period of withdrawal from formal Zen practice.
An immersion and family and career and musical pursuits.
The pandemic
prompted a return
to Berkeley Zen Center, where Nick received lay ordination and the Dharma name Rooney
We shouldn't address that in 2023.
He returned to Jikoji for Coban's annual memorial service this year, and we're so grateful and welcome him back
Thank you, Vincent. I'm so grateful for the invitation to be with you this morning. It's a great return to Jikoji for me.
After so many years, it brings up so many memories of practicing here.
And being with Cobencino.
I want to tell you about my experiences with COVID, which took place at two different parts of my life. First, when I was very young
Young and impressionable and hungry for experience and new practices
And the second one, after I'd practiced with Sojun Mel Weitzman in Berkeley for a number of years
And I was driven by a strong desire to spend some more time with Coba
And was very fortunate that I was able to do that.
Steve Coban, who I want to talk about
Is partly the Coban, I think that everyone thinks of when you may hear stories of him or read transcripts of his talks
But as my wife pointed out to me while I was working on this
I have an inner Coban
I was so drawn to his way, his teaching, as many people were
that I kept him with me right up to the present.
and so Coban has really been
My guiding Zen teacher
my own
A teacher feels very personal to me.
So
It's wonderful to see you all here. I want to thank you for being here, and so great to see you in the Zoom screen. Some of my family and my teacher at Bcc
Who gave me the precepts and my name. Roan
is a nod to my relationship to Coven.
Hone
So I'm also a cloud. And apparently, at least according to Ryushin, I'm a very buoyant cloud. I don't always feel like that. But I have been down and I have come back up
So this morning
I want to frame a little bit. I have a bunch of notes in notebooks. I have a long time habit of keeping
notebooks, journals. And so I've recorded things that Coban said that that reached me.
And I want to read from this, but first I want to just set the scene for my first
A couple of years, a little less than two years probably with COVID. I was 23 when I moved to Santa Cruz from the upper Midwest from Michigan
And everything was amazing to me, actually, making that move from Michigan and having grown up in
In Ohio and the River Valley. The expanse of the sky
All these interesting people who were offering various teachings
So I've just plunged right into
theater practices. Which were largely physical
Theater training as I approached it and my teachers taught it was psychophysical practice.
There was about
What we in Zen think of as
Whole mind body
And so
Actually, that connection, there was a connection to my interest in Zen from the theater work that I was exploring
I'd been interested in Zen
And Asian history since high school and had read the books about Zen that were widely available at that time and
They were fascinating and exciting. And they seemed to portray a kind of heroic journey.
In which one could get something incredibly valuable
And I was drawn to this. But at the same time, I thought, well, how am I going to do that? I'm like, I need to finish my degree. It's just living is consuming enough, and there's all these challenges, and so
But but I did start sitting. I was fortunate that one of my theater teachers had a Zen practice.
And would start every class by having us sit quietly for 5 min.
And that was my favorite part of the class, actually. I just loved it.
And so when I landed in Santa Cruz
I was probably like looking in the local paper for to buy a bicycle or something like that, and I came on in the classified section
This little entry which
Surprisingly, I clipped out and I pasted it into this notebook so I can actually read you what led me to Coban and ultimately here.
Santa Cruz Zen Center 115 School Street is open to the public daily for Zazan Zen meditation. With limited instruction also available lectures by Kanchino Sensei
are offered every Tuesday at 8 Pm.
An excellent way to learn about this very esoteric and iconoclastic branch of Buddhism.
So I gotta see this guy. I just have to
I have to go there and so I found the place. It was just a house that had been converted into a Zendo on a quiet residential street in Santa Cruz
The door to the Zendo was open. It turned out I later learned that the Zendo was always open.
people could come and go and sit during the day. It was aesthetically beautiful to me, much like this room is
But it was all new to me, the smell of the tatami
We lit that Zendo with oil lamps. So when you would go in the evening, there was this lovely warm glow, the smell of the incense
But the whole Japanese anesthetic
made it such an inviting place for me.
And so I started going to the Tuesday evening lectures
My first memories of Coburn
how he would enter the Sendo
and walk to the altar and make bows
His
Presence was really beautiful to me, the way he was so graceful. He seemed to just glide down to the altar
And he had a very simple
And
heartfelt way of making his spells
It moved me
To see this. And I was used to watching
actors and acting students and how we move. We did that for each other. We had this
Since
The job of the actor was to let go of some of our habitual
Physical embodiments of our
who we are
So as to make room for
A character who we would create in relation to a text. So there was
A question in my mind already
Who are we if we really let go of all of our
Conditioning all of our… is that even possible?
If we let go, keep letting go
And Coben seemed like, well, okay, it would be something like that.
And so
And
The way Coburn
Related to us, those of us who had come for the talk that night.
was also remarkable to me
After making his bows, he would take his seat and
The room was long and narrow. There would be people sitting on either side, and there would be a lot of cushions added in the middle, so there could be probably about the same number of people as here, maybe not that many most nights
And he would
Take us all in.
Make some contact
And he didn't seem in a hurry.
to start his lecture
He would enjoy.
The city with us.
And after some silence, he would
And
He would often say
Good evening
How are you?
So we felt seen by him
We felt acknowledged by him
And then he would start his talk. Lecture is the wrong word. I don't know who the editor was at the Santa Cruz Sentinel who came up with that one, but he had pretty clearly, or she not attended these talks by Coben
Cobra's voice was remarkable, too. He spoke very quietly.
Thoughtfully
He could be playful.
and he didn't
lecture in the sense of having a subject that he was going to discourse on for our
edification
His talks seemed fairly spontaneous. He would move from thought to thought with a lot of silence in between.
Sometimes you wondered if he was falling asleep
And
One of the first things that I remember that he said was
This little voice reaches everywhere.
In a very little voice.
This little voice reaches everywhere
And
I thought
How can that be? What a surprising thing to say. What does he mean by that?
I was sitting really close to him. I tried to sit as close as I could because he talked so quiet, and I wanted to hear what he had to say.
And
That was typical of
Of the
Remarks that Colman made that stayed with me. And that they would be surprising.
They would seem to come from
A different view of reality
Than my ordinary view
They would be using language to point to something that
That was not being explained.
But was rather being presented
And
So
I was a very unexplainy kind of young man. And so I would work away at these remarks. Is that about interconnectedness
Does that mean like this little voice reaches everywhere because everything is connected to everything else? And so and
So I would use them in relation to what I knew about Buddhist teaching, about Buddhist teaching
about Zen teaching
But in actually making this little talk with which I have some notes to
I thought, well, actually, that little voice reached everywhere in me
It reached
Some deep inner questions
Santeep in her
wish
Susukiroshi, I think used the phrase in most request.
And Coburn would say, something brought you here
Something inside you. That's why you're here
It wouldn't be here without some inner
Need
Wish
Longing for some kind of connection
That's already. That's all you already have that.
So I started keeping this little notebook that
What Coban says
I thought I should remember some of these things. He said, I'm so glad that I did that because
These
I think they're probably like I remember much else besides these. And you know how memories will become like
kind of like a precious objects.
And so in retrospect, I chose some great little precious objects here to record, and they've served me well.
Like this one. First one I wrote here
Each moment, total content of teaching is present. So watch out
That was also amazing to me. What does that mean? Each moment, total content of teaching
is present
Total content, I took it to mean of Buddha's teaching.
And what does Buddha teach? Buddha teaches about the way things are.
So each moment
The complete content of Buddha's teaching is present. And then the kicker. So watch out.
Pay attention.
Pay attention
Every moment
It's an awakening opportunity.
And this one
Each time you call Avalokiteshvara, Avalokiteshvara appears
Have a look, Kiteshvara, the great compassionate bodhisattva
So
Help is always available.
You can call for help.
Got helpful up here
Actually, I'm going to call for help right now.
I want to leave a little room time for questions. But I don't have a watch. You're doing great. I'm doing great. If you would let me know when I have about 10 minutes back, 10 minutes left, I'd like to leave about
See how that worked. I needed I needed some help
And this one
Even in Cave of demons
Absolute freedom is working.
That's really tough to get. Have you ever been in a cave of demons?
I'm sure all of you have
You're just trying to survive.
And you're using all your tricks
All the things that you think will work.
That doesn't feel like freedom.
How do I find freedom there?
But Coben said
Even there
absolute freedom exists
It's in the fabric.
of our experience in the very
Very stuffy
Coban
Talks about
Sazen, primarily
And
That was
what I was most interested in
The experiences I was in
Again, he said some surprising things.
Sazen is confirmation of your Buddhahood.
Is Buddha's practice
I thought there was… have to be a long difficult practice to have some
Under some
experience of
Of Buddha
And Buck Copen said right at the beginning
It's Buddha's practice.
And then he did get a little explaining here. He says, Your approach to practice here is very intellectual. You think you are separate from enlightened one because you see your actions.
Look at what a mess. This could not be the action of an awakened one. So
Through long, difficult practice
You decide sometime in the future you would like to become a Buddha
This is very much the perspective of man to practice. Man becomes awakened one, or he would have said woman, I think. But this was the 1970s.
This is not our way here.
That was, like, categorical. No, we don't. This is not our way.
It's interesting to change the perspective. Awakened one becomes man.
He also
Spoke very directly and straightforwardly about
the experience of Zazen practice
That was really helpful to me.
Usually Zazan is very difficult practice, at least for first three to seven years. If someone asks you, is it something good
You have to say
No.
It is nothing good.
Benefits you will notice are a certain serenity clarity of mind so that you cannot remove your mind from what you see.
Ability to take things as they come.
Don't get big like grand reward. I think we all beginnings and teacher students
We're hoping for
Something fancier than that, I think.
Copeland also
offer teachings that I felt were about daily life
About
moving from Zazan into our lives.
And
How to
Approach the
difficulties that we encounter in daily life
Like this one, I think all of us here have some problem.
This is a very good condition.
If you have no problem, that is a big problem.
The best condition is when whole life is one big problem.
COVID had a great sense of humor. He was playful with us. He would set us up and then pull the rug out from under us.
He was very skilled at that
Another one about Sazen. Right attitude is to offer whole body and mind to Zazen without any personal expectations or goals.
After going on for some time
In this way, Coblin would be silent for such a long time that you really did think that he maybe had fallen asleep. But then he would emerge and he would look at us again and he would say, you have a question
You have some question
And so this was
Santa Cruz in the late 70s, it was there were a lot of college students
With a lot going on up here, there were a lot of townie hippies with also a lot going on up here. It was a wild scene, and anybody could show up at this end to hear the Zen master
And so I wrote down this exchange here
student at
Sounding pretty distressed
said, what matters
And Coblen said, nothing is matter.
Take it easy
What matters. Jacobin's English was not all that great at that time. I mean, it was amazing, actually. And it would I figured the student
I was asking what's important, what counts, right? And Coban was intending to say nothing is the matter. Probably, right? You would think that. But the fact that he says nothing is matter
Come in
minutes after we chanted the Heart Sutra, which we just
printed here. It for me it was like, oh, emptiness teaching. Nothing is matter. How can there be a problem? It's all matter flowing into emptiness, flowing back into matter.
Problem solved
The student wasn't satisfied with that.
and he insisted. He said, some things are more important than others, aren't they?
And Coban said
Everything is very important.
Everything is very important. You could see that in the way Coburn related with
All of us and with objects
And that he
Handled and
There was a tension and a valuing.
Of everything that he encountered.
A kind of a quiet
calm
There was a little sadness to it, too.
A little bit of this again.
But still, greeting it with freshness, with receptivity.
That was
My experience of Cobenzway
So
I graduated from UC Santa Cruz
And I moved to San Francisco
And I
When I got there, I started sitting at city center.
And I didn't feel so happy there
It was not
There wasn't a warm feeling for me.
And so I noticed that Coban was going to teach a class at the Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco, and I started
Attending
And one night Mel Weitzman
and Bill Milligan, who is a student of Mel's, showed up to the class.
And Mel and Coban greeted each other affectionately.
And so I learned that Mel was leading the Berkeley Zen Center
At that time, I think still on Dwight May.
And a year or so later, when I moved to the East Bay
Then I started going to Berkeley Zen Center and I started practice there that I continued
Or next
plus years.
It was
When I first spoke with Mel privately
I told him about my experience with my feelings for his teaching.
And I said, I'm looking for a place to practice, to
And Mel said
This is a good place for you
And I believe. And he was right.
So I happily
practiced at Berkeley Zen Center. Which is another talk
But in the
In the mid 90s, I became aware that Coburn was living here part-time, or at least teaching here part-time.
And so I felt a really strong
wish to spend more time with him. To connect with Coban again
So I started coming down
For Sunday program like this, this room, although it seems a little different to me, but what's outside the window is very familiar, beautiful.
Lovely
And
And so
Again
I started taking notes after my time with my 1st
Impression of Coban and his Sangha
On returning here was how family it felt.
There was a
Feeling of relaxation.
Of familiarity.
of mutual warmth.
And at that time
Coban was joined by his actual family, which included his three young children
And they were very present.
from during the times that I spent at Jikoji and in that period, they would sometimes come into the Zindo during afternoon tea. That's when Coben would give talks to us
Or talk with us. We would all sit in a circle.
On the floor and have tea. And I think there were some cookies that went around too.
And sometimes the children would come in and climb on
And he would allow them and keep talking to us. At a certain point he would he would gesture for them to
to go back to Levis
And
And
Coban had a friend who was there
Japanese Zen priest named Ryuho Yamada. Ryuho Yamada
Was
I started noticing he was off in the air.
and so
Ryujo and Coban were great friends.
That was my sense of that
And they
So it was quite beautiful to watch them interact, hear them interact
With less of laughter.
as kind of a playfulness between the two of them
Rujo clearly
Just was in love with Coban like most of us were.
And
And
And then there were also
Longtime students
Senior students here, Michael.
Was here. Sometimes when I
would come
Ryan Brandenburg was always here.
And so there was a sense of a
Have a
little community that was really settled and practicing Coleman's way.
and supporting each other
I'll read a few
of the things that
I wrote in this notebook. This is probably, oh yeah, 2001.
June 2001.
Truth is closer to you than you are.
So, you know, COVID had great one-liners. Just amazing.
Truth is closer to you than you are.
And here's a
Here's a question that came up when Ryujo was also with us.
Ray, I can't remember Ray. Can you sit too much?
Coban says too much
Yes, I think sitting is very good. It makes me be more alert, but I could see if I sat too much, I might get dull.
Can you sit too much?
Coban says, too much is not enough.
And then there's a pause. How we all take that in. And then Ryujo says, Bodhodma sat for nine years
That's too much.
Actually, all of the patriarchs sat too much, and everybody cracks on
We're all like sit too much, sit too much, do it or don't do it
I wrote down this question that I asked.
If we can find a way to maintain our practice
Do we need to have any concern about whether we have any realization or not?
And if we do, what kind of realization is it?
And Coleman thought for a moment and he said
No one can know what your realization is.
You yourself only know a portion of it.
So that was a relief
That was a big relief to me. I was still carrying this question of
What am I trying to do here? What kind of
Understanding
Is am I
Why am I sitting here all the time? Why do I keep coming back? What if I understand? What if I'm not actually gaining any understanding?
A kind of a
That old quarry, a worry I had when I first started practicing so long ago that hadn't quite gotten smoothed out for me
Or was
Coming up again.
Kind of a relapse
And Coburn was like
No one can know what your realization is. You yourself only know a portion of it.
And that too, you yourself only know a portion of it. Well, there's one thing that
No one else can measure it
But actually it's immeasurable. You yourself.
cannot measure your own understanding
And that took me back to
practice being Buddhist practice. Who can measure?
Buddhist practice
And if our practice is actually Buddha's practice
How can we give ourselves a grade?
Good job.
So this in the notebook, there's a little poem. I didn't really write poems, but I did every once in a while
This
Apple picking
Are there still apple trees down there?
Apple picking with Satya.
Shinpu, Matt, and Bill.
True wind
shook the apples
out to the apple tree.
Not much picking involved there.
Mostly apples, apples, apples.
True wind
There's one more.
From an older student, Connie, I remembered Connie from
Santa Cruz Zen Center
Is it possible for an enlightened person not to want to help others?
Coban thought, is that possible?
And he said
I'd like to meet this person
Must be very stubborn.
Must be very stubborn.
So that was made us all laugh
And it was also
Coburn's way of being interested in everyone
Everyone. Copen was famous for
What into
include
Anyone who would manage to get themselves.
a practice place
So even of most stubborn, he would actually really want to meet that person
That really stubborn person.
How's my time
I don't want you to stop. I don't want you to stop. For questions though? Yeah, you can stop eventually. Are you done? No. I think technically you have a few more minutes. Okay, a few more minutes. We'll do it.
A big field. Okay, a few moments will do it
Well, I want to include something that Ryuho have trouble saying his names now
said in December 2001 for led the seshin
Coban was, I think, at the other center, Hokoji
And it was wonderful to sit with Riojo
And
The night before it starts
In the evening and
We had
We had some light meal together in the kitchen, off of the kitchen, yeah. And Rio ate with us. And then he made some remarks to encourage us.
In sitting.
And this one I I wrote down when I got home
Don't try to do anything.
Just be quiet
You already have every, every, everything.
So again, that was a huge relief.
Don't try to do anything.
Okay.
So I didn't have a
Personal one-on-one relationship with Coban.
I didn
Try to have Docuson with him
I'm not sure he actually knew who I was.
It was enough for me
Have chosen him
My teacher
Maybe not.
So what I left a couple times, I usually had to leave Sashin early. I remember
Wanting to say goodbye to Coven and he was there's a he had a room in the next building, right? And so I went around and the door was open and he was changing into his robes or out of his robes. I'm not sure which
And I just like rushed into the room and said, I have to go. And I hugged him.
And he let me do that. He hugged back a little bit, but and so yeah, I
So
So one time, as usual, I was leaving Sashin a little bit early
I had a job. I had a busy life. I needed to get home. There was a drive, everything. I explained all this to Michael
Who was the session director that day. And Michael said to me
Yes, okay, Nick, it's been good to have you here. I want you to have a moment with Coleman alone.
And I want you to go sit on the bench. And I'll go tell Cohen to come out.
And I said, okay.
So I
Hmm.
In my memory, there was like maybe a bench over there. I think it was around there
And
So I went and sat on the bench
It was beautiful day
It's so still here
The silence
And the woods are so magical
Gorgeous
And so I was just sitting there
enjoying
Being here
And COVID came out and sat next to me on the bench.
And then we were just quiet
And then I made my same excuses that I have to leave and
And he nodded.
And then we sat together a little bit more. And then he reached out his hand and he
Put it on my knee
And he said, good job.
And then he took his hand off my knee.
And
And I think I probably mumbled something like, thank you.
And then we got up. And I drove up
So
That's
precious
Memory
Pretty wordless exchange, except actually good job was really nice to hear.
That big good job.
This is a hard part in my story.
That was
Maybe the last time I saw Coban, maybe I went back after that
And
So some months later I got a postcard from Jikoji
Inviting me to attend the
A memorial service for Komen and his daughter Maya.
You probably most of you know the story. They drowned together.
And
It was,
Very hard news. For me.
Very hard
And
I had a difficult time
Processing that
Processing is undoable
I grieved
For the Allah
And
And I wasn't able for many years
to continue my Zazin practice
I felt adrift
without
presence
Even though I had my inner coping
And I thought my inner coma is saying, get back on the cushion.
It's it's this practice can be very
Deeply personal.
Yeah.
So
So eventually with help of family and
Friends
I returned to a Berkeley Zen Center.
And
So this Rakut
And was given a Dharma name that
that
Acknowledged the truth of my relation with COBA.
And the truth of my
Practice
So
And I started being able to talk about COVID.
Which I hadn't really been able to do.
That was too deeply painful
And
So
This was an arduous talk to prepare for
My inner cobum
I've kept
So close
And kind of secretively secret. It's a secret
There's a line in the Song of Jewel Miller Samadhi
Practice secretly
Like a fool, like an idiot
I took that
Real wave for me
Practice secretly
But it's wonderful to
be sharing.
this with you
And I feel
Saint
Good job. Talk about me some more.
So
So
If you have any questions, we have a little time for questions. Please try to speak up. I have some hearing loss.
Although this is so quiet here
I probably will hear you
Yeah.
First of all, thank you so much for this wonderful listen too. Yeah.
My question, I was wondering if you ever got an answer to who are we if we are to truly let go of our conditioning
No.
And
You know, it reminds me of how Colby responded to questions.
All sorts of questions
A couple of what often not seem to respond to the exact question as it was asked.
This was a wonderful
thing for me
He would respond from
place that
Was not
Explanatory
in the way that most of our questions seek.
We seek
Of verbal
Explanation
So
You already are.
You would be if you were able to let go completely
And
Letting go is never finished.
Thank you for the question
Goodbye.
You would answer that question
You can ask, I don't know if I have an answer. Give it a shot.
Yeah, let me, let me think about it
I'm going to say something along the lines of
Who you are is changing in every moment.
That would be like my philosophical answer.
I don't know, I think you'd be
without an ego
and you'd be
fairly free, but I'd also say that it's impossible to let go of all of your conditioning
I don't think it's possible to be aware
every single way in which you've been conditioned now that's influencing
your day-to-day actions
Sometimes the questioner has the answer.
Any questions from Zoom?
Jennifer
How do I hear you? She can unmute herself. Unmute yourself, please.
And videoed myself instead of unmuting myself, sorry
I'll do that.
I just… I just want to say, I'm so grateful for this talk
I'm
Now I know a little bit about who Coban is
I can see how much you love him
And this was
A very important talk for me, and I gratefully just from my bottom of my heart, I would thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much
Thank you so much.
Yeah
Who you are now. Your life experience
If open
You were meeting him face to face
What question do you think you would ask him?
How are you?
You mentioned that sometimes you are sitting and not knowing whether you are getting the
Things you are supposed to get
So that happens, I think
I've been sitting
I don't know if I'm doing right or not that happens at some sometimes like really good. Like, oh, I'm getting there looks like
And then
I think the next time it's completely different, difficult even to just sit down and like
Not sure what is happening. I thought I was getting there, you know, now I'm only like
Downhill going downhill. So how do you
That's very good. You're doing it right
You're doing it right
That's my experience years later.
One thing I wanted
say about Cobham
He expressed
Complete confidence in us
Okay,
He said basically
Sazen practice.
Has is now yours.
It's yours
And he said that practice contains everything that I have learned
And I kind of condensed form.
And
It's now
Your responsibility.
And you're doing it.
You're doing it
So
That's very good. If you always felt like you had it and you had done it, it would be difficult to stick with
What would you?
Be patient with your practice
Take care of it
Activity
For you
For you, do it for you
Not to impress someone else.
To justify herself in some way
Well, I want to thank you again.
I wanted to, I think my intention was to give
Some taste of Komen's teaching.
This Jikoji practice places so important
Carrie, his teaching
forward and make it available. To whoever comes here
So
I'm so happy to see you all here
Thank you.